How to Play Pathfinder: A Primer for Girls
Editor’s note: This article was written as satire and for the purpose of sarcastic humor. We here at Geek Lyfe fully support and encourage female gamers and know that they do not need to have their hand held with learning RPGs or which class to pick. As a DM for 6 years a ton of my best players were female gamers. -Darth Mexican
Well hello there little lady! So you want to break into the exciting rough and tumble world of rpgs? I’m sure you’ve heard how hard it is, what with all the complicated math and rules memorization but don’t you worry your pretty little head, if you can bake a cake (and we all know you can bake a cake) you too can enjoy tabletop role playing games. To get you started here is a quick look at the races and classes available in Pathfinder and how you can decide which is best for you!
Let’s start with races. There are seven core races in Pathfinder, each with it’s own unique traits. I’ve taken the liberty of arranging them in order from least to most appropriate for us girls!
Half-Orcs: Gross, not even a little cute. What use is it to be a big, brutish, intimidating hulk? Half orcs are not appropriate for the fairer sex so avoid this race unless you want to be seen as a stinky lout.
Dwarves: Dwarves are smaller than humans, which is kind of cute, and they make pretty jewelry but they also are not very dainty or feminine. I’d 
steer clear of dwarves as well, you really don’t want to focus on things like a strong constitution when you could focus on looking like a chibi character.
Humans: I think the media at large has done a good enough job of telling us why human female bodies are not the greatest. We have to worry about cellulite, stray hairs and blemishes enough in real life, let’s not bring that to the gaming table.
Half Elves: Half elves are definitely better than humans (just ask them!). You get the more sturdy body of a human with the other worldly beauty of an elf. It’s like photoshop in real life, it takes your ugly human features and makes them beautiful!
Elves: If half elves are beautiful, then pure elves are more so (just ask them!). Elves may be a little less rugged than the previously mentioned classes but who needs hit points when you’ve got hot points amirite?
Halfling: Halflings are small, which is super cute, but they also eat like pigs. Ew. NO thanks, we all know the way to a man’s heart (which is all we ladies want) is to let him see you nibble on spinach and never a fat, juicy burger.
Gnome: Gnomes are a great choice as they have the ethereal beauty of the elf, the smallness of a halfling (even smaller actually) and you can be hot pink!
Now that you know which classes are the most petite and female friendly you’ll need a class. There are 11 core classes in Pathfinder, I’ll keep to the same format and start with those that are to be avoided to preserve your feminine mystique.
Barbarians, Fighters, Monks, and Paladins: These are more combat heavy classes. It’s really not important to worry about combat (your female character will be used mostly for bait and barter anyway). It’s not very sexy to have dried blood in your hair.
Druids and Rangers: These classes spend far too much time outdoors. No one wants sun lines and everyone knows we girls don’t take well to camping.
Sorcerers and Wizards: Both classes cast complicated spells which are pretty sciency for us girls. Better to leave those to the boys. Girls don’t do well in support roles anyway.
Rogues: If you like sexy leather armor and the chance to be a shadow dancer in a few levels then this is a good choice.
Clerics: Clerics are an excellent choice as women with religious piety have always been praised. Be careful which deity you pick though, too pious and you’re an ice queen, too amorous and well…we don’t want a reputation do we?
Bard: This is the best choice for us girls as we can merely sing and flirt our way through every encounter and will only be encouraged to use the most simple of spells.
There you have it. All you need to know to play Pathfinder is in this article. Don’t worry about how to use the dice or figure out the complicated math, the boys at the table will take care of that for you. All you need to do is show up wearing makeup and a cute outfit (the boys will be in sweats and tees with cheeto stains) and bring snacks for everyone, every session. I hope you enjoy this very fulfilling hobby!
Author’s Note: I wrote this whilst caring for 4 children, picking out bathroom fixtures, planning a weekly menu for 7 people and writing the corresponding shopping list. Clearly adding up dice is beyond my gender.
Images via: Header Image, Body image, Body image 2
I'm a unicorn.
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