I Survived The Friendzone, Here Is How

 I Survived The Friendzone, Here Is How

Hey all! This is a bit of a  personal article but I feel as though it’ll help others who might be in similar situations. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is DeAngelo, I am 25 years old at the time of writing this, I’ve always been a huge geek, and I did not hold a girl’s hand/kiss/go on a date until the age of 23. My situation is a bit intense as many of my peers experienced these times during middle school or so. I fully admit that my situation became the way it did due to my actions/inactions but I also know there are others just like me who could not understand this at the time and made the same mistakes as I did.

First off, let’s get into the origin story. I am Mexican-American, the son of two wonderful artists, a brother to an amazing little sister and a friend to some pretty amazing people. Although my dad was very handsome, charming, could sing, witty, and could draw, I got none of those traits. Although my mother was beautiful, outgoing, could write wonderfully, could paint, and had a way of always being able to make any happy with just a simple conversation, I got none of these traits. I felt awkward, different, and just plain lame as I could not relate to kids at school and my family at home. This led to me becoming very introverted and often times a wall flower for many social situations. Why should I speak if nothing I could say would be of any value?

I found solace in video games, comics, movies, anime and novels as they allowed me to turn off my real life and become some one far more interesting than I. For all intents and purposes this helped me immensely while growing up as it gave me an identity. I was no longer this odd person who one could not define, I was the guy who could quote every line from last night’s Dragon Ball Z episode or could help give pointers on how to defeat a boss in Metal Gear Solid. I was able to gain friends from this and having others from my own tribe was incredible.

As time went on however, life began to change with boys and girls discovering that they were different and puberty kicked in. Many friends opted to put down their games and comics in search of real life experiences. Experiences that frightened me and caused me to shut down into denial where I found every excuse in the book as to why I chose to stay in on the weekend, why I chose not to ask my crush out to homecoming or even admit my feelings for them when they stood in front of me pouring their heart out.

I pretended as though I was somehow better than all of my peers who drank with cherished friends, had their first intimate experiences with their significant others, went on road trips and all sorts of other events that make life so grand. No, I told myself that they led themselves to a path that would only lead to limited experiences. there were times I attempted to ask girls out but would often be stood up or denied, which is within their rights but still did little to dull the pain of rejection. Despite all of my denial and preaching I could not hold back the pain of being alone and unloved every night. I shielded myself with humor and religion as I became Buddhist and studied hard to come to accept that I am single and that is alright.

Being single was not as bad as the media cracks it up to be. Yes, I cried myself to sleep some nights. Yes, I hated when others accused me of being gay because I had never felt the touch of a woman past high school. Yes I hurt during those times I would hear others talk about me and my incompetency with the opposite sex. But in return, life granted me the opportunity to focus on aspects of my life that I never even considered.

I found that I loved Buddhism and all of it’s teachings, I was able to stop and examine my peers and the lives they led and where they would lead. I found that I did not want a life as normal as others had, yes there was a beauty in getting a lover, getting married, and having kids but there was so much more to life out there. I studied hard and learned many things, both about the world and about myself. I found peace in the fact that I am not my father, nor my mother, nor my sister but I am me and that is wonderful all in it’s own. Because I had no experience with dating and seducing others, many women and men found comfort in my presence because they could confide in me their deepest and darkest wishes as a cherished friend. I learned that people are nothing short of wonderful and unique, good men have faults and the most beautiful of women could see themselves are ugly. Although these are not experiences of a sexual nature, they were still experiences of love, how many people in our lives want nothing from you but your friendship? I can not think of any in mine. It was such a rare feat to be neutral in so many things that you were able to help others with nothing more than listening and lending a few pieces of advice that drove them to tears.

Of course, after helping so many others and being confident in myself I could not help but feel the pain of loneliness strike harder and harder with each passing day until I could take no more. It did not help that my guilty pleasure was romantic comedy Anime, I would watch them again and again dreaming up the ideal woman who loved and adored me in every way despite my faults. The dream girl helped me through many times of my life as I day dreamed of her and I going on dates and having a life together but enough was enough. The problem with being Buddhist is that you truly become enlightened to the present and understand the true nature of all things. On of those things beings the fact that I wanted love. So I did what many introverted single people do and began online dating!

Now, I should be clear that anyone can start a profile for dating websites and send messages but it was more so the attitude that you need to have going in that will make or break the experience. As an example, an extremely beautiful woman messaged me back on my dating profile after months of no hits. I was blown away and immediately accepted. We met and had a blast, I introduced her to my friends and everything went better than expected. Then she got into a relationship with another guy who was also from the same dating website I contacted her from. At the time I was extremely bitter and broken hearted because I felt as though my days of being single and sitting on the sidelines had ended and then to have a girl I met on a dating website explain to me that she had no idea I wanted to date her. It was at that moment that I took all the pain and anger and finally said enough was enough. I knew the fault was mine because I never tried to hold her hand or kiss her or any of these things that clearly expressed my desire to be intimate with her, I was shy and never knew what to do in these situation but I still should have tried. In my anger and pain I cut her off from any interaction with me and went on with my life, depressed and feeling worse than I had before meeting her.

I went back on that dating website and contacted another woman, she accepted the invite and we scheduled to go to dinner. She stood me up three times, after every time she kept giving me excuses and the final time I even went to her house to pick her up and she was gone. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. The first girl I met I thought she just chose the most attractive mate and could understand why she went with the other guy, this second girl had no logical reason to go above and beyond to stand me up and keep stringing me along. I had a bank account filled of money specifically for dates and was willingly to pick her up and go anywhere she wanted so long as she just had dinner with me and made me feel as though I was not awkward or lame yet she could not even bring herself to do this.

I was far beyond pain and depression at this point, the final night I was stood up I still went to the restaurant and devoured a plate of food and ate cheesecake as I thought about my life. Finally, I realized that my life would never change so long as I placed my faith in others to make me feel handsome, to make me feel worthy of their time, to make me feel as though I am a normal human being who is capable of being loved by someone. So I then finished my meal, got into my car, drove home, pulled up my Facebook and for three hours I wrote messages to every woman I had every had a crush on in both high school and college and made it very clear that I wanted to go on a date with them. I also signed up for a local gym to make myself into the man I wanted to be. I shut down my computer and went to sleep. I woke up the next morning to find a majority of the girls I messaged respond positively and I was dumbstruck as to how the hell I went from being stood up to having dates lined up, then it simply dawned on me that making my intentions clear is not that hard and produces the best results. Previously I had always beat around the bush and assumed others knew my thought process.

I won’t bore you with the details but I went on a series of dates with various women and had a crash course in women and dating. I learned that just because a woman is beautiful does not mean you should date her, just because a woman has the same interests as you and can make you laugh you should not date her unless she has her life together, no matter how desperate you are you should never settle for a woman with major issues just because she is willing to be in a relationship with you. It was fascinating. I always thought my ideal woman was a short, big chested female who loved anime, video games, and wanted nothing in life than to love me. I was dead wrong. I wanted a strong, independent woman who had goals and were making great strides to them, I didn’t want anyone who chose to spend their weekends seeking to empty bottles but instead, I wanted them to takes steps towards their overall goal and enjoy the little things. Her body no longer mattered to me and as long as she had her life together, I didn’t mind what her interests were as long as she did not try to shut down my own.

After seeing every single movie in the theaters and eating every single meal at Chili’s/Apple Bees/Cheesecake Factory I was at the end of my dating spree and knew that none of the women I dated were what I wanted. It was around this time that the first girl I met on that online dating site who chose another guy over me had reached out to me and asked to catch up. I accepted because I wanted to show just how far I had come in just 6 months from last she saw me. We met, we chatted, we left, and I drove home. The lunch date was leaps and bounds different from our first interaction. I was confident in my abilities, I knew what I wanted, and I would never compromise myself for anyone. We spoke about everything that happened and came to an understanding that she did like me but was confused because I never tried taking things to the next level. I let her know the truth that I was new to all these things.

To make a long story short we went on a few more dates and sure enough I made the moves I needed to make in order to cross the bridge from just being in the friendzone, sidelined, looked over to knowing who I am, loving myself, finding confidence in my abilities and so much more. The hard times were difficult, I lost friends because I got a girlfriend, my entire life shifted to accommodate another person and my bank account was drained of money to take care of dates, rent for an apartment and planning for events throughout the year. I can honestly say that I would do everything all over again if it meant finding myself and being with a woman that loves me for me and is my partner rather than someone less than or greater than me.(Well, she actually is greater than me in every aspect but I still like to believe we are equals!)

The TL;DR version: If you want something then go out there and tell others you want it and even the person who has the thing you want. If you fail a few times, get over it and figure out why you failed. Then keep moving forward improving yourself until you achieve your goals. Never take the easy route, always go with the path that lets you have your cake and eat it too. Also don’t be a dick while on this journey, you never know anything for a fact so give people the benefit of the doubt and they will keep it in mind down the road.

I’m sorry if this was crazy long and boring but I hope it helps anyone who might feel as though they could never be loved or has trouble with feeling confident. Know that you are wonderful and incredible in every single way, you may not believe me but you’ll discover that I am right. 😀

Bonus: Watch Lovely Complex if you need a good Anime Rom Com!